Bryce Warnes

My most recent column for the Ubyssey? That would have to be this one, which is about an event at UBC called Storm the Wall.

The WWW just gets crazier and crazier! New Warnes World in The Ubyssey re: Peeked Interest. Read here: http://ubyssey.ca/opinion/warnes-world-how-peekbux-can-improve-peeked-interest/

And in case you missed it, the Warnes World before that was re: UBC’s new SUB. Here: http://ubyssey.ca/opinion/groundbreaking-labour685/

There’s a new Warnes World in today’s Ubyssey. It’s about rebranding.

I also provide the sports section with some relevant insights.

New Warnes World up for The Ubyssey. This one is all about UBC’s broad-based admissions policy. COP IT HERE: http://bit.ly/zstF8g

The most recent Warnes World deals with the proposed sale of the AMS art collection.

“Queries of Student D” has mutated into a general humour column for the Ubyssey called “Warnes World.” Here’s the first article: The Pacific Spirit Stroker.

I wrote the following as my next Ubyssey column, but in the end decided to go a different route. It won’t be appearing in Monday’s issue of The Ubyssey, but if you like you can read it here.

x-posted Tumblr/Wordpress. Forgive the redundance.

Query #6: “some brain teasing games / puzzles”

If sudoku isn’t cutting it, try out the puzzle I’ve constructed below. It will test your logic and reading comprehension.

Waylon lives in a two (2) storey A-frame down a dirt road in the forest. He has twelve (12) cords of firewood to split before winter comes. The first frost was one week (7 days) ago. Waylon can split one (1) cord every eight (8) hours.

Waylon could split faster when he was younger. But at age twenty-five (25), on his way home from the White Swan (a local bar), he flipped his truck. He emerged from the wreckage alive but with a back injury that would permanently prevent him from performing manual labour. He lost his job at the mill.

Waylon was out drinking that night because his wife, Margaret (age 21), had gone to stay with her parents. Waylon didn’t like Margaret working twelve (12) hour days at the Sunny Inn, partly because she wasn’t home to make dinner and partly because her old high school boyfriend, Charlie, ran night shifts at the Inn. Charlie was a vegetarian and took correspondence courses in real estate law. At work, Margaret wore lipstick the colour of cherries (Maybelline “Summer Sunset” 615). Waylon couldn’t remember the last time she’d worn lipstick for him.

At nine (9) o’clock, Waylon gets out of bed and goes to work on the firewood. After five (5) swings of the axe, his back begins to ache and his legs tremble. Waylon takes a couple pulls of Canadian Club and smokes half a bowl of the weed (Northern Lights) he grows two (2) miles back in the forest. The day is clear but cold and Waylon is in the shadow of the trees.

Half (0.5) way through the first cord, Waylon comes across a big piece of arbutus (A. menziesii). He makes a cut with his axe but can’t get it all the way through. He wedges the head of the axe in the log band grabs a second (2nd), heavier axe head, this one without a handle. He uses it to hit the head buried in the log. He strikes four (4) times.

Waylon’s hands are numb with cold and bad circulation. On his fifth (5th) swing, his hand slips and his knuckles catch on the hard edge of the stump. It takes off some skin and leaves a bright red swath across the back of his hand. Normally Waylon would not pause for such a minor injury. But as the pain registers and his blood wells, he drops his tools and stands frozen.

Through the mental mist of liquor and smoke he sees Margaret’s bottom lip swelling and a bright gash blooming in its middle. He feels his hand – the same hand he’s just hurt – throbbing from the impact with her mouth.

He sees the red brake lights of Charlie’s Ford as he rolls down the driveway, its bed loaded with Margaret’s cedar hope chest and the Chesterfield her grandma gave her when she married Waylon. He sees this from an armchair near the window, where he sits with bandages still around his ribs from the crash, half-drunk and toying with an almost-empty tube of red lipstick.

Waylon sits down on the stump and begins to weep.

QUESTION: In their new house in the Okanagan, how many children did Margaret and Charlie have together?

Another Query of Student D was published last week: Where the free food is.

Includes a hand-drawn diagram, because I am an accomplished graphic artist.

My most recent articles for The Ubyssey are here.

Since September I have been writing a column called “The 25 Queries of Student D.” The premise is that I am replying to a comment on The Ubyssey’s website by a disgruntled reader who listed off 25 questions they would like to see answered in the paper.

You can read an article that explains all this and includes Student D’s original comment here.

Below are all the articles I have written for the column so far. I will post new ones as they are published.

Free parkings

How to get laid

Cheap tasty food

Smoking crack